I think I am beginning to understand what bipolar depression is all about. On the good days I feel very very good. On the bad days, I feel very very bad. Most of the time I am somewhere in between and were it not for the medication keeping me in that place, I am afraid that death will someday win. I want to be healthy and live a productive life. Sometimes that seems within my grasp and other times I am overwhelmed by my own desperation as it slips from my grasp. I have suicidal ideations, but so far I can’t call my spirit from my body. It will not yield because it is not mine to yield. When I am in this pit, only God can pull me out.
Body swaying below the rafters,
I peer from above
upon a woman I once knew well.
At least, I thought I did.
I hated her.
Weakness and fear,
the constant companions
of her mind and soul.
She knew not the invisible God
Who could save her.
She had idols of her own making.
Wanting them to save her from her own self-destruction.
They could not.
Before I fly away,
I will peer once more
at the body swaying below the rafters,
I simply pushed her out.
I was hurting and didn’t control myself.
Now she’s gone without a doubt.
Because I hate what I have done,
I’ll hate myself forever.
I have no respect for who I’ve become,
No chance for change, no, never.
I am older than I am wise;
There is a point of no return.
I’ve come this far and can only surmise
That what I have left will burn.
I can’t go forward, and I dare not go back.
I’m stuck in this position.
I missed the whole point of what I couldn’t hack,
So now I’m without a mission.
I’m without her.
I can’t do this alone.
I have suidical ideations. They are worse during the cold, rainy months. The fact that I know how to shoot a gun and own some, doesn’t help. With the encouragement of my therapist, I gave the guns to my sons to keep for awhile. We used to have a lot of fun going to the shooting range where I learned how to cleanly hit a target. That’s when I began thinking of my head as the target. I know in my heart this is foolish thinking. I’m not even the type of person who entertains these thoughts for the fun of it. It scares me when I begin to think it could be a possibility if I become so desperate that I just want off the planet. And of course, I know how very disappointing this way of thinking is to God, my Father. I am His child and He has given His own Son to save me from the futility that is life. Life without Him. So, I wrote the following after thinking of my desperation and borrowed lyrics from a dub-step song, “I Want to Kill Everybody in the World.” I think it is by Skrillex. Then I compared that with what Jesus suffered so I could be free to enjoy life, both on the planet and eternally with Him after my soul takes flight. Some days it just feels like I have so far to go and no hand to hold.
Copper and steel,
such a tiny object,
piercingly cold in the palm of my trembling hand.
“I want to kill everybody in the world,”
drumming in my head beneath the ear-buds.
How did it get to this?
I stare at the nugget.
Hollow at its core.
Designed to penetrate, fragment, scatter,
causing complete and utter devastation and destruction.
Is this what it will feel like to be in my final hour?
There is another way.
Unyielding, cold, iron stake,
piercingly hot as it was driven forcefully through His trembling hand.
“I want to die for everybody in the world,”
drumming in His head beneath a crown of thorns.
How did it get to this?
He stares at the silent heavens.
Blood ran from His fingertips,
poured from his very core.
Designed to penetrate the human heart, fragment and scatter the plans of the enemy
before finally causing complete and utter devastation and destruction of Satan’s evil realm.
Is this what it felt like to be in His final hour?
There was no other way.
“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34)
Blog of the Protestant Reformed Young People
Natalie. Writer. Photographer. Etc.
My life, my mind, my truth.
a bipolar blog
Thoughts from Kelly Needham
REFLECT. UNDERSTAND. LET GO. BE IN CONTROL.
Blogging The Language of the Heart
my journey from self-absorption to doxology
"Eye Fly High"
A Writer Healing from Postpartum Bipolar Disorder (Bipolar, Peripartum Onset)
I think, I write, I think I'm right.
('cause caffeine is known to solve problems of the world)
Welcome to the appreciation of Australian birds and the love of birdwatching, sharing bird sightings, photographs, personal experiences and helpful information.
POETRY, RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT....
Faith in Jesus Christ is our response to God's elective purpose in our life. These two truths--God's initiative and man's response--co-exist throughout the Bible. The gospel is "the message of truth" because truth is its predominant characteristic. Salvation was conceived by the God of truth (Ps. 31:5); purchased by the Son, who is the truth (John 14:6); and is applied by the Spirit of truth (John 16:13). To know it is to know the truth that sets men free (John 8:32). Believers are people of the truth (John 18:37), who worship God in spirit and in truth (John 4:24), and who obey the Word of truth (John 17:17). People have rejected, neglected, redefined, and opposed God’s truth for centuries. Some cynically deny that truth even exists or that it can be known by men (John 18:38). Others foolishly think that denying truth will somehow make it go away. Truth determines the validity of one's belief. Believing a lie doesn't make it true. Conversely, failing to believe the truth doesn't make it a lie. The gospel is true because Jesus is true, not simply because Christians believe in Him. His resurrection proved the truth of His claims and constitutes the objective basis of our faith (Rom. 1:4; 1 Pet. 1:3). Truth is our protection and strength (Eph. 6:14). Throughout history, people have tried everything imaginable to gain favor with God. Most turn to religion, but religion apart from Christ is merely a satanic counterfeit of the truth. At the heart of every false religion is the notion that man can come to God by any means he chooses--by meditating, doing good deeds, and so on. But Scripture says, "There is no other name under heaven that has been given among men, by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12). That name is Jesus Christ, and we come to Him by confessing and repenting of our sin, trusting in His atoning death on the cross, and affirming His bodily resurrection from the grave (cf. Rom. 10:9-10). There is no other way to God. False religious leaders and teachers talk much about God’s love, but not His wrath and holiness; much about how deprived of good things people are, but not about their depravity; much about God’s universal fatherhood toward everyone, but not much about his unique fatherhood toward all who believe in His Son; much about what God wants to give to us, but nothing about the necessity of obedience to Him; much about health and happiness, but nothing about holiness and sacrifice. Their message is full of gaps, the greatest of which leaves out a biblical worldview of the saving gospel and replaces it with the worldview of postmodernism with its dominant ethical system of relativism. The Bible describes mankind in the end times: “always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth” (2 Tim. 3:7). Spiritual answers cannot be deduced by human reason alone (1 Cor. 2:14). It’s not that spiritual truth is irrational or illogical, but that human wisdom is defective, because it’s tainted by man’s sinfulness, and unable to perceive the things of God. That is why the Bible is so important. It gives us the answers we can’t find on our own. It is God’s Word to mankind. Scripture is divinely revealed truth that fills the vacuum of spiritual ignorance in all of us. Post-truth is the word of the year for 2016 and also the philosophy of the day, According to the dictionary, “post-truth” means, “relating to or denoting circumstances in which objective facts are less influential in shaping public opinion than appeals to emotion and personal belief.” Simply put, we now live in a culture that seems to value experience and emotion more than truth. In a “post-truth” world, people make choices based on emotion and experience rather than objective fact. So in a post-truth world, truth is irrelevant. What exactly is a post-truth culture? It’s a culture where truth is no longer an objective reality. It has become subjective. It’s what’s true for me—my beliefs, my opinions, determine my truth. So in our post-truth culture, man determines truth. Man makes himself the ultimate authority. This starting point, which rejects God’s Word and the idea of moral absolutes, makes truth subjective. Truth will never go away no matter how hard one might wish. Christianity is grounded in objective truth. “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32). Objective truth exists because we have God’s Word. In the Gospel of John, Jesus says, “Sanctify them by Your truth. Thy word is truth” (John 17:17), and Paul and James describe the Bible as “the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15; James 1:18). The Psalmist says, “The entirety of your word is truth” (Psalm 119:160). Jesus Himself said, “For this cause I was born, and for this cause I have come into the world, that I should bear witness to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth hears My voice” (John 18:37). When Jesus said, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except by me” (John 14:6), He wasn’t expressing His personal belief or opinion. He was speaking the truth, a fundamental reality that doesn’t change from person to person. It doesn’t matter if our culture thinks all roads lead to God. The truth of the matter is “no one comes to the Father but by [Jesus].” This blogs goal is to, in some small way, put a plug in the broken dam of truth and save as many as possible from the consequences—temporal and eternal. "The further a society drifts from truth, the more it will hate those who speak it." - George Orwell
Defending the Gospel in an Age of Skepticism
"Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life." - Proverbs 4:23
Table of Contents Digest
Encourage ... and build up one another. 1 Thess 5:11.
Walking In My Purpose
Weddings, Marriage, and Relationships for Christian Women
God's Word is nourishment for the soul. These are nuggets the Lord has given Jack Garrott, a missionary in Japan
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." - John 10:27
......the Lord's love is with those who fear Him.......
Chaplain, Christianity, God, Ragamuffin
putting stuff from my head into yours
Faith | Life | Society
Homo Unius Libri
Smile! You’re at the best WordPress.com site ever
A Blog About the Bible, Books, and Beating People Up...
Writing what you need to read
Live life love.
sacpros.org is devoted to breaking down the barriers which prevent access to mental health services by providing easy access to available services in the community
Discovering the Gift
Becoming the oil and wine in today's society
True Power Plant Stories
in a generation of degenerative beauty queens, all I've got is food for thought.
For when the rhythm changes in the middle of your dance.
Bipolar consumes our family
Posting things that matter........... to me.
THE MENTAL HEALTH & WELLNESS BLOG
Hope isn't an emotion, but a daily choice. Keep choosing the path of hope.
The Blessed-Based Business. by Jennifer Engel is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.