Medication Blues

O

GOD.

MY

MEDICATIONSpill-bottles-4

ARE

NOT WORKING.

I

WILL

GO

MAD

WITH

SAD.

I’M

EXHAUSTED.

I

HAVE

LOST

MY

MARBLES

AND

MY

BALANCE.

PEOPLE

ARE

PICKING

ME

OFF

THE

FLOOR.

MY

BRAIN

IS

LAYING

BESIDE

MY

BODY.

EVERYONE

STARES.

 

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A New Attraction

imagesCAM8LWGJI am chewing on a different perspective of the meaning of “attraction.”  I have been assuming all my life that my attractions to both men and women has been a helpless condition that I must bear as either a cross or some form of punishment. Some of these attractions have had a sexual component, and some have not.  Long before I was married, I had the desire to save my sexuality for my husband. In my high school years I had to fight off and dodge the hands and mouths of the teenage boys that tried to devour me. Eventually, the dogs backed off or I sent them packing. I actually made it to my wedding bed a virgin–of sorts. There were still those females in my not so distant past. But I tried to forget the existence of that stain upon my bed.

Now that I am divorced, I have had to look back across those years at both the failure of my marriage and those outside attractions, to find new meaning. I have come so far as to accept that my sexual orientation is bisexual. However, I have decided I am not going to let that define who I am or how I will choose to live the rest of my life. And I am choosing not to view any current or future attractions as a condition I am saddled with even if the world sees it differently. I now see my attractions as an opportunity instead of a curse. I see them as something useful instead of something to be depressed about. I see these attractions as something to explore and embrace, instead of dismiss and dismantle.

What I’m discovering is that attraction is not about me. It is really about Jesus Christ. He was attracted to me long before I was even born and decided the time and place and family into which I would live my life. He planned the time in my life in which He would draw me to Himself so that I could share His attraction for me. And now the focus of my life is to show Jesus Christ to others so that they, too, will be attracted to Him. I love what the Apostle Paul says in Phil. 1: 9-11 in The Message translation:

 “So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.”

I don’t expect this will be easy. I know now that God allowed some very painful things to be a part of my life so that I would need to depend on His grace to meet me in the difficulties and so become more like Him in His own suffering. Through it all, I realize just how desperately I want to know Him and why He chose me to be His own. I want to be so attracted to Christ that He becomes my most glorious obsession.

 

To My Son (An Ode to Empty-Nesting)

I must be feeling a bit nostalgic today. I was going through pages of my journal and found something I had written a few years back. It reminded me for one that this empty-nester stuff is not all it’s cracked up to be. When my oldest son first left home, I had no idea that I would soon be joining the ranks of the divorced. I would also begin to experience a new level of loneliness I had not thought possible. Then he announced his upcoming move to another state to continue working with his company’s headquarters. I literally felt my heart being ripped from my body at the thought that I might not see him anymore except for brief periods of time. I would catch myself thinking of how much I loved this young man with whom I had a hand in raising to his manhood, and I would sigh a very long sigh. I would think of the day he was born, of his Christian upbringing in a loving but very imperfect family, and how gracious God is to forgive and watch over my son in spite of my own failures. So, I sat down and penned the following and gave it to him the day he left.

 

Sighs emit from nose and mouth, unbidden.

Waiting+at+the+airportI kissed you goodbye today.

Do you know that you are the first man I did not have to grow to love?

It was love at first sight. You were safe in your father’s arms when I met you.

 

Today I gave you back to your Father’s arms.

I never really owned you; you were on loan to me.

As it should be.

And now there is yearning in this empty space.

 

I have an awareness now that I did not have as I was growing older.

Longing will never be quenched this side of the curtain.

God’s wisdom allows us mere glimpses of His glory in those we love here.

When we love well.

 

There is no difficulty in a mother’s love for her children.

Only yearning.

Moments at the breast turn to days at the knees, months in the classroom and years in the world.

All the while longing for this tiny soul to ripen into manhood. You are there.

 

You are on the cusp of expanding your boundaries.

You are beginning to experience this yearning of living and loving for yourself. Your heart longs for fulfillment of desire.

And so, my yearning is for your joy, and the satisfaction of all that God in His kindness toward you, bestows.

You see, He desires you most.

 

All our longing leads back to the Father.

He is our supreme happiness, the joy of our hearts, the satisfaction of our greatest desires.

And so we wait and hope for heaven while we live out our lives on earth with yearning.

I gave you back to your Father today.

 

He is listening to the sighing of my heart.