Medication Blues

O

GOD.

MY

MEDICATIONSpill-bottles-4

ARE

NOT WORKING.

I

WILL

GO

MAD

WITH

SAD.

I’M

EXHAUSTED.

I

HAVE

LOST

MY

MARBLES

AND

MY

BALANCE.

PEOPLE

ARE

PICKING

ME

OFF

THE

FLOOR.

MY

BRAIN

IS

LAYING

BESIDE

MY

BODY.

EVERYONE

STARES.

 

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Paradox of Full: When We Think We Are, We Aren’t

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I recently read a blog that contained an excerpt of The Heidelberg Confession. I had to pause for reflection as I read:

“Q. What is your only comfort in life and in death?
A. That I am not my own, but belong – body and soul, in life and in death – to my faithful Saviour, Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven; in fact, all things must work together for my salvation. Because I belong to him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.”

What is my only comfort in life and in death? I can with all assurance say that I believe the answer above is my confession. But my life experience will show that I have not experienced the truth of those words. Not here, not now. I believe there is a future day when I will be with Christ and my fullness in Him will be realized. But can I experience that fullness now? Can you experience that fullness now? Perhaps. But our potential is blocked by the madness of sin in our lives. The sins that have been committed against us and the sins we have committed against ourselves and others. And these sins, at times, confuse the signals in our brains and cause us to feel empty when we really aren’t. I over-eat to compensate for my emptiness. While I have never been morbidly obese, the eating behavior is still present. It is hard-wired in my brain and tells me that eating is a pleasurable activity and I can feel full any time I want. Of course this is not true and many other people would attest to that, because we have to keep eating more and more. So, what is happening here is at the root of desire.

Every living thing on the planet has been given the gift of desire. Desires drive us toward fulfillment. We desire to be full or to be filled. We are motivated to seek fulfillment over and over. Why? Because we also experience emptiness. When we are empty we look for something to fill us again. We don’t like the feeling of emptiness, so we seek to be filled. This is good desire.

While our desires are common,( need for food, water, intimacy, etc) the expression of those desires (what we desire, where we desire, and with whom we desire) are as varied as each individual. Our past experiences, our culture and our families, in many ways, shape the expression of our desires. While the desires themselves have been declared by God to be “good,” sin and suffering has affected every part of our being as humans and that includes our desires.

The paradox is this: We attain to be filled here and now, and while we can have some fulfillment we can’t have it all. Everytime we engage in eating or sexual relations, sports, recreational activities, building our families, worshiping God (collectively or individually), we have to keep coming back to be filled and filled again. Because we get empty. We don’t like empty. And this is especially true of people who have been abused or are experiencing abuse of some kind.That is because their brain has lost the ability to recognize their own feeling of empty and full. So,some turn to sexual promiscuity, or they develop eating disorders, or eat more than their body can metabolize. They turn to drugs or alcohol to escape the unavoidable emptiness that is so much a part of their life.There is a heightened desire, almost a feeling of desperation to be filled all the time, but they cannot attain it.

Here is the solution: Since we can’t avoid emptiness on this side of heaven, we can choose to be grateful for the feeling of emptiness because it ultimately brings us to the only one who can fill us completely. He fills us with His Spirit for this life He has called us to. Everytime we feel empty we are reminded that we are totally dependent on God for our food, for our health and for our joy in living. Yes,on earth, we need to be filled over and over again. Because we belong to God and He has given every provision for us to come to Him for filling, we can know that in Heaven we will be filled with Himself and we will have no need for any other fulfillment. He is the Bread of Life, the Living Water and the Door by which we will enter into an eternity of riches that have been promised to anyone who is acquainted with physical and emotional hunger in this life. There will be no more cravings or hunger of any kind.

I want to leave my emptiness behind me. I want to be filled by the Spirit of the living God. I can give myself wholly to the Christ who emptied Himself so that I could receive His fullness. The Heidelberg confession lets us realize this dependence on the finished work of Christ, for our fulfillment now, and at the time of our death when we are finally emptied of this body that we carry on earth. Come with me on this journey, together we will discover the endless provisions of an Almighty God!

Creator Contact

He delights in startling the creature.

He waits patiently for the surprised acknowledgement…images (4)

“He is up to something again!”

This puzzle piece goes here, and that one over there.

This grand and gradual revelation of His divine plan.

The surprise factor, meant to amaze and excite,

Has at its root a flawed ideology on the part of the creature,

that the Creator of all things couldn’t possibly stoop to love and delight in His creation.

We need not be amazed at all.

We were made for contact.

Below the Rafters

I think I am beginning to understand what bipolar depression is all about. On the good days I feel very very good. On the bad days, I feel very very bad. Most of the time I am somewhere in between and were it not for the medication keeping me in that place, I am afraid that death will someday win. I want to be healthy and live a productive life. Sometimes that seems within my grasp and other times I am overwhelmed by my own desperation as it slips from my grasp. I have suicidal ideations, but so far I can’t call my spirit from my body. It will not yield because it is not mine to yield. When I am in this pit, only God can pull me out.

 

Body swaying below the rafters,

Rafters

now spent.

I peer from above

upon a woman I once knew well.

At least, I thought I did.

I hated her.

 

Weakness and fear,

the constant companions

of her mind and soul.

She knew not the invisible God

Who could save her.

Not really.

 

She had idols of her own making.

Functional gods.

Wanting them to save her from her own self-destruction.

They could not.

 

Before I fly away,

I will peer once more

at the body swaying below the rafters,

now spent.

Darkness Into Light

images (1)Traversing roads of encumbrance
Winding steeps of despair
Articulating the verbiage of depression
To a world that does not care.

Raucous cries from one beast to another
Emancipate me from this dark bitch night
Yawning is the abyss into which I have been cast
O God, rescue me that I would take flight

Into your waiting arms.

Undone

imagesCA3T7X6EThis is for all those who have loved someone who was off-limits to them. There is a pain so exquisite and palpable that you feel it more intimately than you have ever felt anything before. Your emotions run the gamut from sorrow to guilt to desperation. But there is one who loves you even more than your love of this person you cannot have. He loves you and me so much that He gave His own Son as a sacrifice to redeem us. He knows exactly how we feel.

Choking on the dust in my nostrils.

I cannot shake this sin.

My iniquity sticks to me, blankets me with mud.

No wonder I feel like dirt.

This filth is a living, breathing demon

Who dares to defile a child of the King.

The King watches, and waits,

Patiently, tenderly.

He does not remove my pain,

Nor does He attempt to wash me from my uncleanness.

He already has. He already has.

Porcine pleasure has me wallowing in the scum again.

As if there is an ecstasy in being covered with my own feces.

What a conundrum, this.

I am white as snow, but not here, below.

There are apparently parts of me that must be continually destroyed.

So I wrestle with the Unseen for release of my spirit.

My soul is held in bondage by the idols that caress and lick my wounds.

The flesh must go or my impurity remains.

For I am dead to sin, and yet sin feels very much alive in me.

What? I am confused. He is immutable.

He stalks the stalker,

Pours oil of healing on the heads of the perverted.

This God of mine who created pure desire,

Has left me without excuse.

How I long for that forbidden fruit!

That which I have no right, nor have I contested and won.

But that which is apart from nature to soothe and comfort

For what I have lost.

What seed was planted within me that I should want this thing?

Is not His compassionate stroke enough?

Did there grow inside my mind this insidious beast?

That glory of sameness to which calls me retreat?

What evil has captured my idolatrous heart

And spun it to the ground?

Did God create me to slither and grovel?

Oh that redemption would find me in this pit!

“Create in me a clean heart O God;

And renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence;

Take not your Holy Spirit from me.” (Ps. 51:10-11)

Bi-Bi Baby

This has not been a good day. I am happy that it is almost over. I have a new obsession and I don’t like it. I need to find out all I can about bisexuality because apparently it is time for me to admit to this life-long orientation of mine. I spent the better part of my day browsing google, my local library website, and of course, amazon .com, for any and all information on what it means to be in the minority of the minority group known as LGBT.  I wasted a perfectly good day off of work engaged in research, until it suddenly dawned on me that trying to understand bisexuality for me is really pretty pointless. Number one, there is very little likelihood that I will ever “come out.” I am not open to engaging in the LGBT community or activism just to have new friendships because my past is tainted and my future uncertain. I am the same person I was before I accepted the label and I will continue to be the same person. Another problem with “coming out” is that it assumes I would welcome intimacy outside of marriage. I do not want that. I barely had intimacy inside my marriage (to a man). So, my choice is to stay celibate, even though I am aware that I am choosing solitude. For some, this choice just about takes all the joy out of life, but I really don’t see what I can do and still remain true to my spiritual convictions. I can’t seem to do that when I am in relationship with other people. My marriage left me feeling lacking in just about every way–spiritually, emotionally, socially and physically. I was a big, fat, nothing for 26 years. It is very difficult to see myself any other way than that, and I don’t ever want to be in that kind of relationship again.

This morning, I had my therapy session. I am seriously thinking about stopping. I know my therapist has a lot of faith in Lifespan Integration and the neuroplasticity of the brain to alleviate my depression. I came away from that session feeling worse than I did going in. I felt disconnected and unreal. I was supposed to be connecting with my 5-year old self, which I was able to do for periods of time but she was a very pale, ghost-like image in my brain. She would disappear at times, when I was trying to concentrate on the timeline. Like, “poof” and she was gone. When my therapist told me to open my eyes at the end of the session, I felt disoriented. I felt as though I had gone somewhere and had sort of returned. But I still felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. When I left, I was thinking to myself, “I’m done here. I’m not coming back to anymore sessions. I feel like shit.” Then, I had a moment of panic that I would never see my therapist again (this is my bisexual side speaking to me), and I would be stuck in this damned outer-space world where I will feel disjointed forever.

So, that is the reason for my terrible day. I’m a depressed, bipolar, bisexual, obese, insomniac. Wow. There seems to be a great divide between that and, in Christ, free, loved, and redeemed. Maybe I’m not a Christian after all. Maybe I’ve been fooling myself all this time. Or maybe, that stupid-ass enemy called Satan, is chomping on my own ass to keep me from having a relationship with my Heavenly Father. What do I know of relationship with a father? My own died when I was two. What do I really know about any kind of relationship? They have all been broken and I feel so alone. (Satan talking)

Sometimes I feel like books are my only friends. My books and my music. I have spent my life hidden behind pages and musical notes to keep me from feeling the intensity of my painful relationships. But now I am being made to feel it. I can’t continue to go back in time because there are too many bad memories. Except for the birth of my sons. Those were happy memories and they are the only true happiness in my life.

I can’t end this pity-party on an unhappy note. I think I’ll go sit on my front porch and sip a Summer Shandy before calling it a day. I never count on sleeping well, so when it does happen, I feel better in the morning. I am a caregiver for newborns and their mothers, so that is the bright spot in my work-day. Yes, maybe tomorrow will be okay. I would be happy with okay.