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Below the Rafters

I think I am beginning to understand what bipolar depression is all about. On the good days I feel very very good. On the bad days, I feel very very bad. Most of the time I am somewhere in between and were it not for the medication keeping me in that place, I am afraid that death will someday win. I want to be healthy and live a productive life. Sometimes that seems within my grasp and other times I am overwhelmed by my own desperation as it slips from my grasp. I have suicidal ideations, but so far I can’t call my spirit from my body. It will not yield because it is not mine to yield. When I am in this pit, only God can pull me out.


Body swaying below the rafters,


now spent.

I peer from above

upon a woman I once knew well.

At least, I thought I did.

I hated her.


Weakness and fear,

the constant companions

of her mind and soul.

She knew not the invisible God

Who could save her.

Not really.


She had idols of her own making.

Functional gods.

Wanting them to save her from her own self-destruction.

They could not.


Before I fly away,

I will peer once more

at the body swaying below the rafters,

now spent.


5 thoughts on “Below the Rafters

  1. She does not look at rafters as mentioned here. She looks at wooden rafters with a strong heart, with fire in her eyes, leaving no doubt her burning faith in Christ as she looks at the names marked with chalk on rafters in a church on Holy ground. She writes about those great things that she has seen in her past where Holy men and women walked up five stories of scaffolding just to leave their name on a rafter. So others will know they were once at that same spot. Jane you are one of those people. Don’t let the devil bring you down with the burdens we face in life.
    God watches over you…and loves you dearly.

    • Scott,
      I was very surprised to realize why there was some familiarity in your comment to my post. Of course, we do know each other (or did). Your words, and the fact you cared enough to write them, were a blessing to me. I am seeing a therapist who is a very Godly woman. I am also taking medication to help with this disorder. God is so good. If you come back across this comment, I would love to hear more detail about the story you recounted in your comment.

      • A long time ago…we took a journey to Chicago where we were given a tour of Moody Church by Mimi ‘s father. Part of that tour included a trip above the sanctuary. We walked on old wooden boards and we were shown the names of students that had wrote their names on the rafters with chalk. I also recall attending a Church service there with you that same trip.That was a fun trip. You seemed very happy. I am sorry that you are dealing with demons now. But I am hopeful that things will get better as God does love you and watches over you.

  2. Scott,
    I am thankful for your response to my post. It is a thoughtful response, and I am certain there is something deep and heartfelt in it. Almost as if you know me or perhaps you have drawn a conclusion based on some of my other blogs. I will be honest by saying that I am not familiar with the event you allude to, but obviously there is the implication of suffering, persecution and perhaps suicide. I will admit that I am indeed a woman with fire in my eyes, but there are many times in my life when that fire has nearly been extinguished. This is why I must look toward eternity, toward Christ, knowing He is the only one who can redeem me from all the sin and hurt I have experienced in my life, and all the pain I have caused others. I may not be the woman hanging below the rafters, yet. Sometimes I am doing a balancing act on the rafters, praying that God will not let me fall.


  3. Scott,

    Your memory is much better than mine! I had remembered a few details regarding that trip, but until you said so, I had forgotten that you were on that trip with us. I do remember the massive pipes from the pipe organ. Moody church does indeed have an amazing history and no doubt continues to have a very large presence in Chicago.

    You mentioned my happiness during that trip. Yes, of course I was happy. I was in love, though I don’t think I realized it at the time. I had successfully put away a lot of ugliness from my childhood but that left so much confusion regarding love and what that was supposed to look like for me. I am seeing much more clearly now, yet God has chosen to keep me in a state where I must depend on Him every day to fulfill the desires of my heart. My desire is for Him and His soon return! In the meantime, I wait and watch for Him and my days are filled with an awareness of His presence and power within me.

    I struggle with depression, much of it stemming from those memories of childhood abuse that led to sinful behaviors into my young adulthood and marriage. I am still healing from my divorce and the tumult of emotions and memories that have arisen because of it. I have felt God’s healing touch in the years since then and I delight in that. He is constant. I would will for myself a life of ease and security. He wills for me a life that will continually challenge my heart and mind so that those demons you allude to will continue to drive me to my knees. I will feel agony before I will experience ecstacy. I will feel fear before I will remember that I am free to trust in Christ. I may not have chosen the suffering, but that is how God intends for us as his children to become more like His son. We fellowship as a body of believers, in the very suffering of Christ, but we are also given the power of God’s resurrection of Christ in order to suffer well.

    I am no longer bitter about the past. I am expectant about our future because of the hope we have in Him.

    Scott, thank you for reminding me of that time. The one thing I do remember was eating so much roasted corn on the cob that I thought I might burst! Those were good days.

    God bless you richly from His abundant goodness,


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