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Aftermath

I did not see it ending this way.Heart

I simply pushed her out.

I was hurting and didn’t control myself.

Now she’s gone without a doubt.

Because I hate what I have done,

I’ll hate myself forever.

I have no respect for who I’ve become,

No chance for change, no, never.

I am older than I am wise;

There is a point of no return.

I’ve come this far and can only surmise

That what I have left will burn.

I can’t go forward, and I dare not go back.

I’m stuck in this position.

I missed the whole point of what I couldn’t hack,

So now I’m without a mission.

I’m without her.

I can’t do this alone.

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12 thoughts on “Aftermath

    • Dark posts over the weekend, I know. Feeling really lonely. It’s almost better when I don’t have time off from work because then I can keep my focus in a different direction. One of my boys came to see me and we got to talking about his dad, my ex. I just lost it, started drinking and then took all of yesterday, writing and breathing just to get over it. I also got angry with my therapist and fired her, but then realized I did that when I was drunk. I hope she takes me back. Even though I have become emotionally dependent on her, this is the time I need her the most. I need her to show me the way through the dependence instead of abandoning me because of it. I so appreciate your concern. You seem like a genuinely caring person. To tell you the truth, it is high time I just grow up!

  1. Pingback: Aftermath | thewindowflower

  2. Hey, thanks again for caring. Yes, I feel somewhat better. I think that part of my problem is I can’t sleep in spite of taking several prescription sleep aids. I decided God must have a reason for keeping me awake at night so last night I started reciting (outloud) some of the Psalms I had memorized when I was in college. That was 35 years ago, so no small feat. I did eventually fall asleep and am excited to try it again tonight. I saw my therapist again on Friday. I couldn’t bear not going back. She has helped me out of this pit I’ve been in and there is still a lot of work to be done. Why would I want to give that up? My mood has been on this wild rollercoaster ride, so I wonder if the bi-polar medication is losing its effectiveness. I really just need to keep my eyes on the finish line and accept that some days will be good and some days will be bad. I can trust the God who has determined all my days and know that He is molding me into a beautiful creation. He has been so patient with me. Now it is my turn to be patient with Him. Have a lovely week!

  3. When you’ve been drinking, or haunted by the darker side of bipolar, it’s easy to lose direction. Spirituality can give us an anchor, a hand up, a balance.
    I hope your relationship with the therapist continues and that you get some relief from your bipolar and depression issues. I’ve been exactly where you are now; I can’t offer an easy solution — I’m still trying to navigate the professional mental health!
    Good luck.

    • Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I know what you are saying about drinking and also the dark-side of bipolar (is there a light-side?). I am continuing with my therapist. I realize that I wasn’t thinking straight when I told her I wasn’t coming back. When my head was clearer the next day, I emailed and told her I needed to keep my appointment. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I quit going. But I don’t want to suffocate her either. I just want to know that there are good days ahead and that I might find some happiness outside of therapy and medication.

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