Earlier today, I checked out a lot of blogs whose main topic was bisexuality. I was looking to see if I could find anyone out there who is bisexual, like me, but whose identity in life is so much more than that. I didn’t find a single one. I feel like Charlie Brown when he shouted from the stage during the Christmas pageant, “IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE WHO CAN TELL ME THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS?”
Let’s keep this simple. Our lives do not consist of mere labels. Or if it does, being bisexual is not the umbrella over which all other labels are covered. First we are infants, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, friends, etc. At some point we begin to realize our sexual orientation, whether or not we have chosen it for ourselves. Somewhere along the way, we simply realized that we felt attracted to either the opposite sex, same sex, or both sexes. I am just beginning to learn about all the other gendered possibilities. What I’m saying is that there is so much emphasis on one’s sexuality that it seems it is the only thing that matters. We do eventually go on to find stable, and I hope, monogamous relationships. Children may be born from these and the cycle begins again. Then we become grandparents, great grandparents until we run the course of our lives and return to the earth.
We are all gendered beings and we are all sexual. Our sexuality can be a rich and rewarding part of who we are and how we express ourselves in our relationships. Personally, I believe that the expression of sex in a monogamous relationship can be a very good and spiritual experience. If sexual expression is offered for the pleasure and well-being of the other person in the relationship, and in a non-selfish manner, it can serve to solidify the relationship and bring true joy and contentment.
Enter, my belief in God, Creator of all that is. I am not asking that you embrace my personal belief, but please note my struggle. I refuse to believe that there isn’t another person out there in the world of blogging who doesn’t have this same conflict. When God first created the world, IT WAS PERFECT. He created two genders–male and female. PERFECT. He gave them the command to reproduce. PERFECT. Then evil entered the picture. God did not create evil. He created angels and the highest of His angels decided he wanted God’s place. God cast Him out of heaven altogether. Some of you don’t even believe in Satan, though you have no trouble believing in evil. Where do you think it came from? To make this short, Satan was able to manipulate both the man and the woman to sin. They agreed with him that much more could be gained if they began thinking of themselves as gods, rather than God Himself. As they say, the rest is history. We are all products of a fallen earth, a fallen nature and the result of all of this is total chaos and confusion which crosses over into every aspect of our lives–yes, even into our sexuality.
It wasn’t until I ended my marriage of 26 years, to a man, that I began learning the reasons for my sexual confusion and my attraction to females. I consulted the internet for books on same-sex attraction with a Christian bias and was delighted to find Janelle Hallman’s book, titled The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction. I devoured that book like I had been deprived of all food and water for all of my life. I may have mentioned this in another post, but I mention it again for those who may have missed it before. Reading this book and then following up with a therapist was the best thing that I could have done. Make no mistake. I still struggle as there have been some very engrained patterns of self-protection. However, my therapist is helping me work on these one week at a time.
So, with regard to the same-sex attraction. Did I ask for this? No. Do I blame God? No. Do I have a choice? Yes. I choose to believe that I am still made in God’s image and though I am broken and bear labels I do not want, I can purpose to know God intimately and seek His highest good for my life in spite of my limitations. I can help others who have this same problem, by offering hope and a future that though life will be difficult to live here on earth, it will be so much more rewarding when Christ returns for His own, or when He calls me home–whichever happens first.
We are not told how many days, weeks, months or years we have on this earth. Maybe 70+ at the most. What is that compared to all eternity? Do you want to spend it as an activist for a label that will turn to dust in your coffin or will you live to the fullest and seek what is healthy for all of your person–your mind, your body, your spirit and soul?
I encourage you to visit Janelle Hallman’s website and her organization: Desert Hope Ministries. They can be found at: www.janellehallman.com. If you live in the Seattle area and desire a therapist who has been trained in Janelle’s program for helping women who experience unwanted same-sex attraction, I would love to share mine with you. You can contact Lisa on her website: www.wilkinsoncounseling.com.