This is for all those who have loved someone who was off-limits to them. There is a pain so exquisite and palpable that you feel it more intimately than you have ever felt anything before. Your emotions run the gamut from sorrow to guilt to desperation. But there is one who loves you even more than your love of this person you cannot have. He loves you and me so much that He gave His own Son as a sacrifice to redeem us. He knows exactly how we feel.
Choking on the dust in my nostrils.
I cannot shake this sin.
My iniquity sticks to me, blankets me with mud.
No wonder I feel like dirt.
This filth is a living, breathing demon
Who dares to defile a child of the King.
The King watches, and waits,
He does not remove my pain,
Nor does He attempt to wash me from my uncleanness.
He already has. He already has.
Porcine pleasure has me wallowing in the scum again.
As if there is an ecstasy in being covered with my own feces.
What a conundrum, this.
I am white as snow, but not here, below.
There are apparently parts of me that must be continually destroyed.
So I wrestle with the Unseen for release of my spirit.
My soul is held in bondage by the idols that caress and lick my wounds.
The flesh must go or my impurity remains.
For I am dead to sin, and yet sin feels very much alive in me.
What? I am confused. He is immutable.
He stalks the stalker,
Pours oil of healing on the heads of the perverted.
This God of mine who created pure desire,
Has left me without excuse.
How I long for that forbidden fruit!
That which I have no right, nor have I contested and won.
But that which is apart from nature to soothe and comfort
For what I have lost.
What seed was planted within me that I should want this thing?
Is not His compassionate stroke enough?
Did there grow inside my mind this insidious beast?
That glory of sameness to which calls me retreat?
What evil has captured my idolatrous heart
And spun it to the ground?
Did God create me to slither and grovel?
Oh that redemption would find me in this pit!
“Create in me a clean heart O God;
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence;
Take not your Holy Spirit from me.” (Ps. 51:10-11)