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Bi-Bi Baby

This has not been a good day. I am happy that it is almost over. I have a new obsession and I don’t like it. I need to find out all I can about bisexuality because apparently it is time for me to admit to this life-long orientation of mine. I spent the better part of my day browsing google, my local library website, and of course, amazon .com, for any and all information on what it means to be in the minority of the minority group known as LGBT.  I wasted a perfectly good day off of work engaged in research, until it suddenly dawned on me that trying to understand bisexuality for me is really pretty pointless. Number one, there is very little likelihood that I will ever “come out.” I am not open to engaging in the LGBT community or activism just to have new friendships because my past is tainted and my future uncertain. I am the same person I was before I accepted the label and I will continue to be the same person. Another problem with “coming out” is that it assumes I would welcome intimacy outside of marriage. I do not want that. I barely had intimacy inside my marriage (to a man). So, my choice is to stay celibate, even though I am aware that I am choosing solitude. For some, this choice just about takes all the joy out of life, but I really don’t see what I can do and still remain true to my spiritual convictions. I can’t seem to do that when I am in relationship with other people. My marriage left me feeling lacking in just about every way–spiritually, emotionally, socially and physically. I was a big, fat, nothing for 26 years. It is very difficult to see myself any other way than that, and I don’t ever want to be in that kind of relationship again.

This morning, I had my therapy session. I am seriously thinking about stopping. I know my therapist has a lot of faith in Lifespan Integration and the neuroplasticity of the brain to alleviate my depression. I came away from that session feeling worse than I did going in. I felt disconnected and unreal. I was supposed to be connecting with my 5-year old self, which I was able to do for periods of time but she was a very pale, ghost-like image in my brain. She would disappear at times, when I was trying to concentrate on the timeline. Like, “poof” and she was gone. When my therapist told me to open my eyes at the end of the session, I felt disoriented. I felt as though I had gone somewhere and had sort of returned. But I still felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. When I left, I was thinking to myself, “I’m done here. I’m not coming back to anymore sessions. I feel like shit.” Then, I had a moment of panic that I would never see my therapist again (this is my bisexual side speaking to me), and I would be stuck in this damned outer-space world where I will feel disjointed forever.

So, that is the reason for my terrible day. I’m a depressed, bipolar, bisexual, obese, insomniac. Wow. There seems to be a great divide between that and, in Christ, free, loved, and redeemed. Maybe I’m not a Christian after all. Maybe I’ve been fooling myself all this time. Or maybe, that stupid-ass enemy called Satan, is chomping on my own ass to keep me from having a relationship with my Heavenly Father. What do I know of relationship with a father? My own died when I was two. What do I really know about any kind of relationship? They have all been broken and I feel so alone. (Satan talking)

Sometimes I feel like books are my only friends. My books and my music. I have spent my life hidden behind pages and musical notes to keep me from feeling the intensity of my painful relationships. But now I am being made to feel it. I can’t continue to go back in time because there are too many bad memories. Except for the birth of my sons. Those were happy memories and they are the only true happiness in my life.

I can’t end this pity-party on an unhappy note. I think I’ll go sit on my front porch and sip a Summer Shandy before calling it a day. I never count on sleeping well, so when it does happen, I feel better in the morning. I am a caregiver for newborns and their mothers, so that is the bright spot in my work-day. Yes, maybe tomorrow will be okay. I would be happy with okay.

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8 thoughts on “Bi-Bi Baby

  1. OMG…. This post almost made me cry. Normally at work I do not post on spiritual posts because I am in a business setting. I can feel the internal turmoil that you are going through. Just remember God is a loving person. He will accept you for who you are and he wants you to be happy. Don’t let the world tell you what is satans and what is not. I guess maybe you could say that I am open to the feelings of the LTGB society because my very best friend growing up is full out gay and I refuse to believe God loves him any less. everyone has a story and God knows this and loves. I love the bible but I think we tend to over analyze it sometimes. Just my thought and hugs to you.

  2. Why do you feel so conflicted about being attracted to women and what is the link between these desires and seeing or not seeing your therapist?

    I hope you’ll feel better soon and that you’ll be able to truly accept who you are. There’s always a silver lining.

    • I’m not sure you will understand my response unless you also embrace Christianity. While I do accept my sexual orientation as being bisexual, I do not believe that was God’s original intent. We live in an imperfect, fallen world that in the Biblical sense, began with the evil angel known as Satan, who then influenced our first parents, Adam and Eve, to sin. That sin touched their sexuality because they were sexual beings–male and female. Thus, we have all been “touched” or broken in some way. They sought to live apart from God. We all seek to live apart from God. God’s original intent was heterosexuality. But we have all been exposed to sin in our lives and have been sinned against. This influences who we are from the time we are conceived to who we are in the present day and who we will become. I have been sinned against in some sexual ways that I believe contributed to my orientation. But I do not have to perpetuate that cycle, even though it may be difficult. Yes, I have a very strong desire to run to the arms of a woman. But not just any woman. There is first a very deep emotional attraction and when that begins to happen, I realize I am beginning to go beyond my boundaries. I was faithful to my ex-husband of 26 years, but yes, I had developed emotional attachment to at least a few women. These relationships were not reciprocal and eventually my contact with them was lost.

      My therapist came into the picture several years ago, after my divorce, as I was doing some searching for the reasons I failed to love my husband well. I suspected even than that I was attracted to certain females, but that I am also attracted to men. I felt very confused by this. I began reading a book about titled, “The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction,” by Janelle Hallman. As I read this book, I could see myself so clearly in all the pages. I went to Janelle’s website, http://www.janellehallman.com, to see if there were any therapists in the Seattle area that would meet my needs as both a Christian seeking God’s way, and a sexually confused woman seeking therapy. Fortunately, there is such a person and so I contacted her. I am happy to also share her contact information with anyone who would want to email me privately.
      Well, as you can imagine, it did not take me long to feel loved, secure, and welcomed, in spite of the judgment I had given myself. I confessed to my therapist several months ago that I had become obsessed with her. She, however, has maintained her professional integrity and has not encouraged me in any way to act out my attraction toward her. So, to answer your question, my therapist has a lot to do with my bisexuality because she is the one who finally helped me accept that label while also helping me to discover and deal with the issues of my past that are so closely linked to that label. I am simply uncomfortable with some of the sessions and use of different therapies, like Lifespan Integration, because at times it brings on a lot of anxiety and confusion.
      Well, this is a rather lengthy response, and I apologize if I lost you in the details. I think I got to rambling, so this is probably a good place to stop. Please know that just because I have taken this position on my own bisexual orientation does not mean that I am judging what you or anyone else does with theirs. Only God can hold that position over our lives. I am just so ecstatically happy that He also gives love and acceptance very freely in the acknowledgement of the personal sacrifice of His Son to once again bring redemption to His people and planet so we can one day enjoy the whole creation and creature as He intended it.

  3. So, that is the reason for my terrible day. I’m a depressed, bipolar, bisexual, obese, insomniac. Wow. There seems to be a great divide between that and, in Christ, free, loved, and redeemed.

    My friend when I read those words my heart aches for you. You are a precious child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made. Sexual abuse distorts this in ways that confuses and causes us to question. Searching for answers which often times make no sense. And sometimes only to be discovered later.. Not the best choices. We look for ways to be comfortable in our brokenness – all kinds of ways. I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. If you would like to privately dialogue I would welcome listening. I am not bi-sexual… But understand the attraction. I know you are a follower of my blog. If you desire to have an ongoing conversation, please go to my purpleprincessreflections site leave a comment with your email…. Which I will not post and then we will connect off line 🙂

    Sandra

    • Sandra,

      Thank you for your kind words and support! I would love to keep up a dialogue because I don’t really have anyone other than my therapist who knows me and the confusion this is causing. Probably, my biggest concern is how to tell my sons (all grown). Then, wondering how my church family will work with me in this. I am going to attend a 27 week series on the Christian and homosexuality starting late September. I don’t know what to think about reparative therapy because I don’t think it is the orientation itself that is sin, but rather the expression of it. I think the orientation is a product of the sexual abuse I experienced in my own childhood and also living with a very emotionally distant mother who continually grieved over the death of my father when I was 2. So, that gives a little background. I love my Savior and I know He has a plan for me in all of this. But I can’t stop the desire to have this thorn removed and many days I just feel like this life is not worth living. I just want to be with my Jesus! Yes, I know, this too is sinful thinking. I will not give up because that is exactly what Satan would want. Ok, I’ll leave it at that for now. I really don’t mind if others see these posts. I pretty much came out with it when I wrote the post. Thanks again, I can tell you are a true sister in Christ.

  4. Did you share with your therapist how you were feeling? Just curious. By any chance is your therapist a Christian? I am not surprised that you became attracted to your therapist it sounds like she has brought healing to your life, comfort, acceptance, love, grace, to name just a few and she has listened without judgment. All things we look for and can have in a healthy relationship by God’s design. I did send you my private email. You may use it if you desire.

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