I walked into my pharmacy today to spend another $100 on the next 30 days of happiness. As I left the building, holding onto my precious supply, I was thinking that there are probably a million other ways I would rather spend $100. Or would I? If this particular brand of antidepressant actually works, wouldn’t I be willing to pay even more for it? How many more pills will I have to push down my throat until I am finally rid of this dark night?
Some would say that depression is all about our past and that we can get beyond it as we learn to accept the awful truth and begin to live the even more awful reality. Others like to stick their pious necks out and tell us depression is all about our sinfulness and that if we will simply repent and ask Jesus for His cleansing, we will be miraculously healed and the demons will leave. I have a problem with that. If all of the millions who are afflicted with depression have all these evil spirits that need to be exorcised, and if everyone is healed at the same time, what will happen to all those bodiless spirits? Will they not look to be embodied once again, and perhaps cause more chaos than the previous demon inflicted? Around and round it goes.
I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. I live in this darkness and I will die in it. I have a very strong belief in God, and I believe when He calls me home to Him, only then will this depression lift.
God does not fool around with evil, but He does allow evil to fool around with His children. The book of Job is a great example in Scripture, of how God will use horrible evil to bring about great good. His intent is to sanctify His children and allow us to be so broken here on earth that our focus, our very minds are transformed into the image and likeness of His Son. I believe God has broken me so that I will find that there is nothing in this life that will bring me true happiness or contentment. I tried to find it in Paxil. I’ve tried to find it in Prozac. I’ve tried close to a dozen other medications that offer the false promise to remove the depth of this sorrow. At best, they serve to numb my senses so I can make it through another day until sleep finally takes me to another world.
I am not angry with God. I do not think He is unfair, nor do I believe He is out to get me. He already has me in His hand and He will never let me go. I believe that God is using my depression to remind me that He is the only One who can truly satisfy my deepest longings for peace, happiness, intimacy, love, and rest. My depression reminds me every day that my Creator will do whatever is necessary to draw me to Himself in love.
If you are battling depression, I would love to hear from you. I will open my heart to your story and learn how you deal with your pain. I am not a counselor, but I can listen and I can feel your suffering.